The best test of control is letting go

Takeaways from planning and executing a wedding

I never envisioned my wedding growing up, and it was still hard to envision it while planning it for the past 8 months—but either way, I'm certain that vision wouldn't include my dad standing next to my officiant, holding up his phone, taking photos and filming me as I walked up the aisle.

Looking back at that moment—when incredulous anger flashed across my face—I shouldn't have been so surprised. When it comes to planning big events in my life, I let myself believe that writing down and outlining everything that I want to happen will prevent anything unexpected from happening.

Photo by Purely Brooke Photography

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After putting on my dress, doing my makeup, reading my vows for the videographer (and crying), my sister and I walked the few blocks to the park pavilion. This gave us a little time to breathe and accept some free attention as people honked at the two women walking down the sidewalk in floor-length dresses.

As mentioned, I've barely had caffeine in the past few months, so by the time I walked through the backdoor of the pavilion, the latte (perhaps accompanied by the donut and sweet waffle, and my general performance anxiety) was sending tremors through my fingers, chest, legs, and brain. Our flower girls greeted me with eyes full of awe, telling me how pretty I looked and asking me if I liked their earrings and dresses too. My fingers got tangled as I tried to lace my chunky green heels up my calves.

I peeked through the doorway as Caleb and our families walked down the aisle to Sufjan's whispery voice and guitar, the quiet music gently swelling:

I'd swim across Lake Michigan

I'd sell my shoes

I'd give my body to be back again

In the rest of the room

To be alone with you

To be alone with you…

As our flower girls neared the front of the room, I stepped forward slowly…only to feel myself locked in place. My dress train got stuck under the door. I whispered 'shit,' shuffled backward, unhooked it, stood up, smiled again, and re-started my procession…

Only to feel the laces on one of my heels slide down to my ankle.

I sucked in a breath and kept smiling.

And when I neared the front, I saw my dad with his phone in front of his face, filming me. I glared at him and shook my head quickly.

He ignored me, and after sitting down, handed the phone across the aisle to my sister, miming to her to take photos of me from her seat. I made eye contact with her and she took two quick photos and put his phone away. I held my breath briefly, waiting for him to make a scene. But nothing happened and I was able to enjoy the rest of the ceremony as my partner of seven years, Caleb, candidly expressed his love and appreciation for me. Despite the distraction, I was fully swept up in the moment once again.

But of course that wasn’t the last of my dad’s embarrassing actions. After the ceremony, he budged into my conversation with our videographer to tell my sister’s boyfriend to take photos of us with his phone. And then tried to hand his phone off again to someone when we got outside to take more photos with me. I reminded him to leave the photography to the photographer, and like an impudent child in the body of a nearly 70-year-old, he refuted me with, “Why? I need photos too.” “Well, it’s my wedding. And it’s annoying and rude,” I replied. He’ll never admit he’s wrong and argued again, and my sister, a middle school teacher accustomed to bartering with children, was able to appease him and take his phone away so he wouldn’t bother me anymore.

I'm trying not to let myself be angry about these small things on my "big day", because If I had full control over preventing the unexpected, it would not only eliminate embarrassing moments but also happy accidents. Like how wedding guests probably found even more in common with other guests than what I wrote down on their place cards (I heard that two guests found out they attended the same high school!). And though I chose the flavors of the wedding cake, the design (a sea turtle on a wave of sunflowers) was beyond anything I could imagine and was so beautiful that I didn't want to cut it! Or how Caleb's friends set up an impromptu pickleback shots station that became very popular and where our photographer and videographers captured us taking shots with several of our friends.

When I'm planning vacations or parties, I ignore the fact that so much is out of my control, because it's scary to consider all that could disrupt or delay or damage an experience. But embarrassing or emotional moments are often the humanizing ones that I can connect with someone else on or at the least learning experiences that will remind me how to attempt to prevent similar things from happening in the future.

Roadblocks, literal or figurative, test my patience and problem-solving but almost never will derail an entire experience.

I've certainly learned that we have very little control over what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.

I'm using this experience to remind myself that the few moments of anger, confusion, disappointment, or fear do not detract from the many surrounding hours of meaningful joy, appreciation, and love. Because in the end, I was smiling for nearly 24 hours straight.

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I’d like to know:

What’s something that almost ruined your day recently, but didn’t because you’re a strong, independent woman?

Want me to write about anything in particular? Or perhaps you have a vague topic you’d like to offer as a prompt? I’ll take anything.